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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.

Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.

1.Raymond’s Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device

United States Patent #5,197,216, 1993

As the next step in guys’ never ending battle to outsmart wildlife with brains the size of raisins, Raymond offers up his Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device. Bagging that elusive goose is now as easy as 1, 2, 3:

1. Put on the Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device.
2. Find a nice comfortable spot in the shade.
3. Shoot the other geese when they fly over to ask your decoy goose where he got the sweet cape.

2. Edwin’s Safety Clothing

United States Patent #6,543,054, 2003

Old people fall down a lot, often injuring themselves in the process. Well, Edwin has come up with a way to alleviate this problem and a quick glance at the illustration above reveals his plan for the elderly – to make them feel so ridiculous they refuse to leave the house.

Edwin says his clothing, which may be either inflatable or of a foam rubber construction, can be decorated in patterns such as flowers, butterflies, “gundy berries” or “whatever else would be appealing to the elderly [tapioca, perhaps?]”

Regardless of your feelings toward Edwin, the fact that he put so much time, effort and money into the development of this Safety Clothing says something about the man: he hates old people.

...and it doesn’t appear he’s real fond of children, either.

3. Hesh’s Portable Rain Covering

United States Patent #5,464,034, 1995

You’re outside, with no shelter in sight, and it begins to rain. You don’t have an umbrella with you. What do you do? If you’re on the ball, you reach into your pocket, pull out Hesh’s Portable Rain Covering and place it on your head. If you’re really on the ball, you unfold and inflate it first.

Hesh says that “the curtain may contain appropriately placed openings to allow for communication by or to the user”, which will allow for interaction like this:

Man without Portable Rain Covering:
“Dude, that’s really a sweet little device you’ve got there.”

Man wearing Portable Rain Covering:
“Thanks. I’ve had it for about a month now and I …..”

Man without Portable Rain Covering:
“Dude, that was sarcasm.”

4. Charles’ Multi-Person Plank Game

United States Patent #3,933,353, 1976

You younger readers out there might be curious what we older folks did for fun when we were kids, back before there were any good video games. Well, we would do things like build tree houses, make paper airplanes or grab a couple of buddies and hop aboard one of these bad boys. Sure, it would take some effort, but once we got our timing down we were able to cruise along effortlessly at speeds approaching 10 feet per hour. And here’s a little tip should you ever have the good fortune to ride one of these yourself: Always grab the front spot because, as you can see by the facial expressions in the illustration, the fun quotient gradually decreases as you move rearward.

5. Samuel’s Life Preserver Bubble

United States Patent #3,768,467, 1973

Samuel had high hopes that his bubbles would replace life preservers and rafts on seagoing vessels.

“Attention passengers! This is your Captain speaking. We have sustained heavy damage so everyone must climb into their Life Preserver Bubbles immediately. In brighter news, I’ll be going down with the ship.”

copyright Scott Seegert, 2008

Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.

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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.


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Anonymous Milo said...

I found the portable rain covering hilarious because I have actually saw someone using something similar once and I figured they were either a bit mental or extremely neurotic. I found a picture online:


Anonymous Steve said...

Scott thanks for posting all this stuff.

I haven't cried so much in ages, I nearly wet myself...

Hey did I see an invention for that :)


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