This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.
Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind
There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.
The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.
Tom and Ken’s Mowing Apparatus United States Patent #5,410,864 - 1995
Here is the perfect solution for the guy who wants to start his own lawn maintenance company, but fears his $37 in available start-up capital won’t get it done. With Tom and Ken’s Mowing Apparatus, not only will equipment expenses be minimal, but labor costs will also be low as the inventors assure us their apparatus works equally well with a tricycle (they really do).
The innovative duo has high hopes that their miraculous mower will gain popularity, forever altering the landscaping landscape. But they remain cautious. "Up until now", Tom (or Ken) points out, "use of pedal driven mowing apparatus has not gained widespread acceptance." Imagine that.
Domenic’s Life Preserver United States Patent #1,292,587 - 1919
Perhaps in response to the Titanic disaster several years earlier, Domenic created his state-of-the-art, multi-faceted aquatic life preservation system that can best be described as "unattractive". Domenic’s ensemble consisted of a vest, two mouth-inflatable underarm air sacks and an elastic-necked head covering designed to keep its wearer from swallowing salt water. Alas, no one knows whether his life preserver actually worked since whenever anyone put it on, they were immediately beaten to death with deck chairs by the other passengers.
Charles’ Pet Urn United States Patent #6,785,938 - 2004
We’ve all heard the old adage about the dog being man’s best friend. Well, he’s a guy’s best friend, too. Heck, he’s often a guy’s only friend, at his side through thick and thin – and Charles’ Pet Urn guarantees he’ll remain there for decades.
Charles says his urn is fashioned in "the likeness of the deceased pet, including fur, whiskers and color markings that match those of the deceased pet." The result is a lifelike tribute to the beloved pooch which, aside from having three fewer brain cells, is an exact replica in every way. The cremated remains may be accessed by unscrewing the animal’s head, a process that may appear a tad inhumane to friends and neighbors who were unaware of the animal’s passing.
Alfred’s Ventilated Coffin United States Patent #36,660, 1862
If you think Grandpa emits some foul gas now, just wait until he passes away. It may get to the point where you won’t even want the casket containing his decomposing husk lying around the house anymore.
Alfred attempted to address this issue over 150 years ago with the invention of his Ventilated Coffin, to which a rubber bladder, a valve and a hose assembly are connected. Over time, the bladder will inflate, indicating the presence of what Alfred calls "offensive gases arising from the dead bodies being placed therein". The valve may then be opened, releasing Grandpa’s fetid fumes into the outside air where they are free to waft gently throughout the surrounding community.
Or, you could just bury him and be done with it.
Dean’s Sputnik Cap United States Patent #2,971,082, 1961
If your automobile has ever broken down in the middle of the night, you are no doubt aware of the danger presented by passing traffic as you attempt to repair the problem. At least Dean was, which is why he created his ingenious Sputnik Cap, a lighted, translucent, spiked plastic helmet that glows in the dark "in order to warn approaching motorists of the presence of an individual along a highway." Results have been varied.
“Harold, look! That poor man is being attacked by a radioactive porcupine! Run him over and end his misery.”
Jack’s Vacuum Pants United States Patent #4,230,114, 1980
At first glance, you might assume that Jack’s device performs a similar function to Alfred’s coffin above. After closer examination, however, you would realize that our little lady is in search of a standard household vacuum to attach to her outlet hose (51) so that, according to Jack, "the continuous evacuation of air will cause the pant material to press against the user’s body to induce sweating during an exercise routine with the effect that overall girth reduction is promoted." And, really, who among us isn’t in favor of overall girth reduction?
Jack adds that his pants, which are one-size-fits-all and suitable for both men and women, should be worn with "preferably no undergarment". (Note to self: preferably never EVER borrow someone else’s vacuum pants).
copyright Scott Seegert, 2008
Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.
Hi fist of all love your blog I've checking it for years. Second thing, my wife makes notepads and stationary with lots of these prints you can see them at http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5858020 keep up the great posts
Thanks for the very interesting selection. Speaking of italian sci-fi covers... be sure to check out the work of Karel Thole! His eerie covers got me interested in sci-fi literature when I was a little boy!
Wow, gorgeous, amazing stuff. Artist buddy of mine, Jason Chalker, does a lot of pulp inspired paintings - well worth checking out http://www.manlyart.com/
Richard Powers... Ed Emshwiller... Edd Cartier... Jack Gaughan - wow, we definitely need part two! Mind you most of these artists were famous for their paperback covers. Wildman, thank you, Alex Ross is one the best artists for comic heroes.
Absolutely impressive precis of a long neglected field of art. Would be rendered more perfecter if only the awful neologism 'scifi' was replaced by the true shorthand phrase, SF or if you prefer sf. Scifi is a ghastly term. SF is soooooooooooooooooooooo much more sophisticated
I believe that there is only one golden age of every art form. Perhaps visit me sometime at: http://picasaweb.google.com/silverghost1951/ThePerilsOfKarenMorrow#
The "Nortilucent clouds" appear to be instead the after affect of an early morning launch at the White Sands Missile Range, as seen from the Phoenix Metro area. The residue rocket fuel in the atmosphere is "lit up" by the rising sun. I at least THINK that is Superstition Mountain on the horizon.
"Atmospheric Optics" is another good site that has some great stuff on atmospheric phenomena. Looks like they have another shot of the very same cloud:
I really love these. Julie, you do AMAZING work, I am really drawn to the staircases and the dryad image particularly! :) All of your artwork is so textural and really brings out the interestingly beautiful features of these abandoned places. Great interview, I enjoyed reading it!!
These are just incredible. What's even more unbelievable is that you found them and take such exquisite photos and capture their energy and tragic beauty.
Avi, it would be great if you did a piece on Yorkshire's beauty it's self, it would go quite nicely with the other beautiful parts of the world you've covered.
I actually got to see some of Yayoi's work at the Phoenix Art Museum. It was absolutely stunning. You walk into the room and, well, it lives up to it's name "You Who Are Getting Obliterated in the Dancing Swarm of Fireflies” I could have stayed in there for hours.
A short blog about it can be found here: http://www.theelementsite.com/blog/?p=66
The singing-while-smoking guy is some indian actor, not Sultan Rahi. BTW, IIRC Sultan Rahi (dead now) once held the world record for making the most killings in movies.
Hmm.. my understanding is that the bathing machines weren't for nude bathing. (See the wikipedia article that was linked, as well as this page.) The 'naked bathing' quote seems to be talking about the time before the bathing machines on the National Maritime Museum description on the image.
Absolutely beautiful! I'd love to travel there someday, as well as Turkey and Jordan... if only the political atmosphere was a little more confidence-inspiring.
Avi, your posts on the beauty of Middle Eastern countries has been very inspirational, I am all ready to do a full tour. Has anyone had any experience traveling to these parts? Would it be a very bad idea at the moment? I really want to go! Stupid wars...
Thank you, I'm from Lebanon and these pictures brought tears to my eyes. The people of Lebanon are Beautiful as well. It's a tragedy what that the world has decided to use it as a battleground for Israel and Syria related conflicts.
I was just in Lebanon this past August, and I spent a year there from 2004-2005. I figured it was time to get the hell out when the ex-prime minister was assassinated. During the summer, Lebanon seemed stable enough to visit. I don't think it would be bad at this very moment to visit, but because it's so unstable, there's no way of really knowing. Ugh... indeed, stupid wards.
Thank you. It is refreshing to find a positive article and photos from Lebanon. As usually, people in the Media are always covering and portraying the negative aspect of the country.Please keep up the good honest work. We look forward to seeing more good coverage from you on this beautiful country. Thanks again. Gladys M. Wehbe
I am from Turkey and I had the luxury of seeing most of these beautiful countries, the security is not an issue, the government takes care of security unlike USA military is very active which is not scary but comforting so don't let ifs and buts stand in your way of seeing these beautiful places.
A truly awesome place, a damn shame it been used as a pawn in whatever geo-political, religious struggle that might be going on that day, week, month, or year.
Gracias por esas preciosas fotos del paraiso terrenal destruido por el odio , las guerras injustas y el fanatismo. ya era hora de hacer justicia y enseñar el verdadero Líbano, antigua Fenicia, cuna de la civilizacion, inventora del alfabeto, la moneda, la purpura y transmisora de las culturas de oriente para el mundo entero. allí se encuentran las ciudades de Biblos, Baalbeck, Sidon y Tiro. fundaron Cartago (actual Tunez), Cadiz, Cartagena y Sagunto entre otras muchas ciudades a las orillas del Mediterraneo. de Tiro viene el nombre de Europa ( hija del rey Ahiram. Carece de petroleo pero por su suelo fluyen 14 rios principales ademas de sus afluentes y regatos.
Thank you for these pictures, my late father was of lebanese ascendence and told me stories about the land, it saddens me to see how the wars are affecting such a beautiful country
I really want to travel there, and Syria too. I'm a little daunted by the language barrier, and how a Brit would be seen in the region. I wonder if we're seen as supporters of Israel, or aggressors in Iraq. Both are totally understandable, thanks to Tony Blair!
AFAIK, loads of other people know batman's identity, not just the 8 people you listed.
For example, Wonder Woman, J'onn J'onzz , Aquaman, Green Arrow, Zatanna, Black Canary, The Atom, Hawkman, Green Lantern, Flash are just the JLA members who know.
There are villans who know it as well, like The Riddler, Ra's Al Ghul, Catwoman etc.
And, there are more people in the "bat-clan" who know, as well. The Oracle (Barbara Gordon), the new Batgirl (Cassandra Cain), all the Robins, Dr Leslie Thompkins.In fact, even Lois Lane knows!
Anyway, great post as usual. Just ignore the rabid comic fan :)
If I'm not mistaken, the Brooklyn Superhero Supply store is a front for a writing workshop for kids set up by Dave Eggers. There are several, located in major cities across the U.S. and they typically have some insane amazing fake front to them (pirate store, spy supplies, etc.)
Love your blog! I want to make a contribution to this posting by giving you the link to that atrocious Bollywood movie (not all Bollywood is atrocious, you know?). Here's the absolutely horrible clip of Superman and "Mary" (apparently that's how Superman called her in private): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXUmGm38zV4&feature=related
This was my first visit to your blog, thanks to a friends referral, but definitely not my last. I loved this blog today! I thought I knew something about the JLA members, but not very much apparently. Enlightening and enjoyable.
The shop in Brooklyn is a writing workshop. You can here Dave Eggers speak about it on TED. http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dave_eggers_makes_his_ted_prize_wish_once_upon_a_school.html
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