This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.
Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind
There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.
The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.
1.Raymond’s Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device
United States Patent #5,197,216, 1993
As the next step in guys’ never ending battle to outsmart wildlife with brains the size of raisins, Raymond offers up his Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device. Bagging that elusive goose is now as easy as 1, 2, 3:
1. Put on the Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device. 2. Find a nice comfortable spot in the shade. 3. Shoot the other geese when they fly over to ask your decoy goose where he got the sweet cape.
2. Edwin’s Safety Clothing
United States Patent #6,543,054, 2003
Old people fall down a lot, often injuring themselves in the process. Well, Edwin has come up with a way to alleviate this problem and a quick glance at the illustration above reveals his plan for the elderly – to make them feel so ridiculous they refuse to leave the house.
Edwin says his clothing, which may be either inflatable or of a foam rubber construction, can be decorated in patterns such as flowers, butterflies, “gundy berries” or “whatever else would be appealing to the elderly [tapioca, perhaps?]”
Regardless of your feelings toward Edwin, the fact that he put so much time, effort and money into the development of this Safety Clothing says something about the man: he hates old people.
...and it doesn’t appear he’s real fond of children, either.
3. Hesh’s Portable Rain Covering
United States Patent #5,464,034, 1995
You’re outside, with no shelter in sight, and it begins to rain. You don’t have an umbrella with you. What do you do? If you’re on the ball, you reach into your pocket, pull out Hesh’s Portable Rain Covering and place it on your head. If you’re really on the ball, you unfold and inflate it first.
Hesh says that “the curtain may contain appropriately placed openings to allow for communication by or to the user”, which will allow for interaction like this:
Man without Portable Rain Covering: “Dude, that’s really a sweet little device you’ve got there.”
Man wearing Portable Rain Covering: “Thanks. I’ve had it for about a month now and I …..”
Man without Portable Rain Covering: “Dude, that was sarcasm.”
4. Charles’ Multi-Person Plank Game
United States Patent #3,933,353, 1976
You younger readers out there might be curious what we older folks did for fun when we were kids, back before there were any good video games. Well, we would do things like build tree houses, make paper airplanes or grab a couple of buddies and hop aboard one of these bad boys. Sure, it would take some effort, but once we got our timing down we were able to cruise along effortlessly at speeds approaching 10 feet per hour. And here’s a little tip should you ever have the good fortune to ride one of these yourself: Always grab the front spot because, as you can see by the facial expressions in the illustration, the fun quotient gradually decreases as you move rearward.
5. Samuel’s Life Preserver Bubble
United States Patent #3,768,467, 1973
Samuel had high hopes that his bubbles would replace life preservers and rafts on seagoing vessels.
“Attention passengers! This is your Captain speaking. We have sustained heavy damage so everyone must climb into their Life Preserver Bubbles immediately. In brighter news, I’ll be going down with the ship.”
copyright Scott Seegert, 2008
Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.
Making all sci-fi punks in the world "feel lucky", since 2008
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COMMENTS:
1 Comments:
Milo said...
I found the portable rain covering hilarious because I have actually saw someone using something similar once and I figured they were either a bit mental or extremely neurotic. I found a picture online:
lovely gallery, but I thought I'd point out that I don't think the 'crown' of smoke is actually smoke. I'm fairly sure that I saw the image on DeviantArt and that the photographer explained that it was a drop of milk in a glass of water.
I think I read somewhere that the ship also had a huge ballroom that was gimbled to always stay level even in rough seas. However, it ended up lurching around so much that the ended up locking it into place...
Brunel's "atmospheric railway" (the one in Devon) failed because he couldn't seal the slot along the tube. Rubber wasn't available at that time so the seal was made of leather. When the iron tube rusted in the damp air, the iron reacted with the tannin in the leather and destroyed the seal. But in the brief time it worked, apparently it worked quite nicely. (Source: Routledge, R, "Discoveries and Inventions of the 19th Century)
The same book also has an item on the Crystal Palace atmospheric passenger railway, or "shuttle" as we would call it today, though it claims the tube was under Hyde Park, not in Sydenham where the Crystal Palace ended up.
Really enjoyed this piece... I was surprised though, that there was no mention of his broad gauge Great Western Railway. Brunel also made plans for an above ground pneumatic railroad. Compressed air was to be carried beneath the railbed in leather tubes. A piston attached to the railway carriages would then fit into this tube, much in the manner that a cable car has a grip that reaches below the rails, and engages the cable. The problem with this scheme it that the leather tube was not sufficiently airtight to be effective. If Brunel had access to todays modern materials, maybe he could have pulled it off.
Oh, and, by the way... Brunel's atmospheric railway, a further problem with the leather seals was the fact that they had to be kept lubricated in order to remain flexible and seal well, this was done with animal derived greases, which led to them being an irresistable target for rats. Failure of the vacuum seal stopped the train, so although the concept was viable, the system failed due to the lack of a suitable flexible sealing material.
Another unusual pneumatic railway was trialled by a man called Alfred Beach, in New York, 1870. An article on it can be seen here, and a series of better pictures are viewable here.
Brunel was one of, if not the best British engineer. Many of his designs are still in existence today. If he had his way the gauge of railways would have been wider, that's what he planned for the Great Western Railway. Also on the GWR, over the river Thames is a flat arched bridge which nobody thought could be built.
On a related note I live about 1/4 mile from where the Great Eastern was built and some of the slipway still remains.
The Turkish "magic atmosphere" sign is in Ephesus (Efes). I expect it's just there for tourists to take pictures of, since everybody speaks English admirably.
The Turkish bathroom sign was especially useful, and the joy on the characters' faces was largely accurate. When I was in Paris, I ended up once having to use a "toilette a la Turque." It's a urinal. Male or female, you squat and poop. This works fine if you're dressed in a robe like a Turk. If you're dressed like a civilized person, in pants, it is the biggest hassle of the entire vacation. So, yeah, I'd pay extra in Turkey for a real toilet.
The traffic lights you've got on there from Melbourne (La Trobe St) make perfect sense, I don't see why it's "hilarious"... There are arrows to turn left and/or go straight, the white arrow is for trams and the right arrow to turn right, obviously...
Sorry to burst your smug imperialistic bubble, but "teleport" is correct in the sign. Teleport is short for "telecommunication port." The word is common in French. I really get tired of Americans and other native English-speakers laughing at foreigners who take the trouble of putting up signs in English because you are too stupid or lazy to make the effort to learn a few words of another language. You often make fun of Japanese for their "engrish" but I'd like to see how much dumber you would look if you tried to write even three words in Japanese.
To Philippe Laurichesse regarding his typically snobby ultra-socialist French-leaning comment... I find it comical that you lump Americans and other native English speakers together in a package of unabashed bias while in the same breath condemning us silly Americans for poking fun at a few individual translations found around the globe. Teleport means different things to different people. ha ha. We had a nice joke about it. But unlike you who believes it's appropriate to lump an entire culture and an entire people together as a mass of uneducated imperialists - we poke fun at a few select cases where a mistranslation becomes a thing of comedy.
There is a reason things are largely translated into English and not French, German, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian, etc. It's because English is, ever so slowly, becoming a universal connector language through which people from varying cultures can communicate.
And for the record, I am fluent in 3 languages; none of which are French; I've left the USA for extended periods of time, mostly to provide relief aid in third-world nations in central and south America, and I have multiple family members that have served in the military - including more than one who gave his life on the beaches of France.
Isnt there a 'teleport town' on the edge of Tokyo bay, Japan – a futuristic area of city with some very unusual constructions? I wonder if that ‘teleport’ sign has any connection to that? Apparently the place is served by a ‘futuristic computer controlled monorail’ – so it may have something to do with that. As it mentiones Odaiba and the Sea Bus, it could be.
Even if the sign is just a telecommunications port – I think you would love Teleport Town! It fits this website down to the ground. It has a very strange, surreal and futuristic atmosphere, such as only the Japanese could produce. a really wonderfu place! Just run an image search on the term!
the robot milk is an actual product you can buy at the time travel mart in echo park check it out here: http://344design.typepad.com/344_loves_you/2007/12/introducing-the.html
I've spent a few weeks in the Gateway motel. It used to be HORRIBLE, but wouldn't you know it, as soon as I moved out, they completely spiffed up the place and kicked the creeps out.
@ americans here who got offended by the french comment:
Usually I'm anti us-government and all, as I'm french myself but I cannot stop laughing at the intense idiocy of my fellow (and humorless) citizen.
I guess there are rednecks in France too huh ;)
@ the guy who lost someone on omaha beach or whatever : then stop supporting war, especially since "US go home" should be the most shared thought worlwide about your culture... :P
You’re calling our French friend Philippe smug and ill-educated; well, you’re not so humble yourself if you’re boasting about being on X South American countries to provide relief aid, being fluent in 3 languages (hey, I’m fluent in 4, so what?) and being one more American bringing up for the ONE HUNDRETH MILIONTH TIME the fact that Americans died in French beaches. Get over it – it’s done and over with. The French people were incredibly brave during WW2, but most Americans (and note here I say most, not all) are still completely convinced the French surrendered to the enemy at the first sight of a gun. You have no idea what you’re saying. Do you think the Jews and the Gipsies and other minorities who died at the hands of the Nazis in Poland and Germany surrendered and let themselves die because they were cowards? So why would you think the same about the French? The French resistance was invaluable to the war effort and so were the horribly ‘smug and cowardly’ families who helped, fed and housed American troops when they entered the territory. American media pokes fun of the French people ALL the time, charge them ALL the time for WW2… and you wonder why they hate you. The fact that Americans make the inevitable joke about the French whenever there’s any mention of WW2 in a movie, tv show or other medium available has influenced the relationship between the two countries and the people born and raised in each of them. You will find almost no mention of American culture in France except that which it essential for tourism to work. Yes, they hate most of you and they have every right to. I would hate a whole people if all I heard them mention about MY people was that we were cowards and still had the nerve to be smug and ungrateful. I was recently in France and not one person was rude to me. Not one person acted like they were superior, or were anything else but regular people responding to the way they were treated. Those who’re polite will be treated equally, and that will happen everywhere and with everyone, no mater their nationality. Sadly, most American tourists in France leave a VERY poor image of the rest of their countrymen, wherever they go; maybe because they’re loud, smug (yes, smug) and unpleasant. ‘Oh we hate the French and we'll make fun of them whenever possible, but we’re going to Paris anyway because, well, it’s Paris! Who cares if it’s in France?’
I don’t agree with everything he said, but Philippe is right about one thing: Americans (again, most, not all) are the only ones who don’t try to speak French when they’re in France. Even British people try it, and they invented the freakin’ English language, so don’t use that as an excuse.
And please, don’t make a bad name for other Americans who’re not such idiots and respond so badly to criticism, especially when they don’t take in consideration the last 60 years in 'bullying' History.
On another note (and this is not for Anonymous #2), I liked the pictures, they made me laugh hard.
Oh please, cut the crap with the "[Insert-own-nationality-here] are less condescending than you, stupid [insert-random-nationality-here]".
The point of this blog is not to make fun of other cultures, but to make fun of those small uneasiness (sp?) to adapt to another language/culture.
Philippe: like anyone in a French street will most likely understand "Teleport" as the compact version of "Telecommunications Port" rather than the Sci-Fi version of it. For the record, I am French and I have NEVER seen such a use of the word either in French or in English. Maybe because it no so used anymore to avoid confusion. Please find your way back from the Fifties. :)
I didn't read all the bs about WWII, US tourists not learning a single word of french etc. Because they usually do ! I've encountered quite a bunch of middle-aged and aged native english-speaking tourists being able to say "Bonjour", "Excusez-moi", "Merci", "Au revoir". Like the same population of French tourists in Africa and North-Africa could do better in arab, wolof or whatever local language.
We started of with some funny signs and ended up with WW2 and bragging about "I can do this...blablabla" We are very thankfull for your great contribution to making this a better world!
OK...some people have a sense of humour and some obviously do not!
hahahahaha! Thanks for a great collection of signs. I love them. I literally laughed out loud at the Very Suspicious Supermarket. I want to shop there!
Also brilliant (and I realize it is not a real sign) is "The Progress Bar" with the "loading" indicator. Hope someone really does it.
first..for the brawlers who want to fight it out on a comment list...put your stuff away...everyone can claim to have this that or the other, but to be honest it's really just "piss in the wind" and just like that, it'll probably blow back in your face...
to me...it just sounds like, "Hey Pot, I'm the Kettle, you're dirty" /edited for possible rascism connotation/
most of the responders to this page "got" the idea that it's fun sometimes to laugh at the "tongue in cheek" mistranslations that occur where ever that might be...god forbid it's in jerusalem and my fellow jews take offense because of a mistranslated and oft-maligned and more oft-"made fun of because it's funny" sign ends up on a random website, which, ironically is known for posting things of humor....
thanks for posting this and all great articles, I laughed out with the sings and also reading all the comments. I'm very happy to find out there´s a whole misterious, weird, complex, rich, hilarious and great world to live in.
The bottom-right Japanese sign picture is a crying rabbit... The sign appears to be an ad for the GABA language school, which is probably trying to attract ex-customers of the failed NOVA language school. The pink usagi (Japanese for "rabbit") was the mascot/logo of NOVA.
Actually, Tokyo Teleport Station is the stop for the JR East Line (Japanese Rail Line that serves the Greater Tokyo Metorpolitan Region) for Odaiba ^^ You're absolutly correct. The city on Odaiba was supposed to be a great technological city of the future, but unfortunatly it became the subject of tax money during a mayoral election year and the city was never finished and fell by the wayside. It is a beautiful area and soon will be the home of the biggest fish market in the world when they finish construction. It is also where the biggest convention center in Japan is, as well as the largest indoor Toyota Dealership (at least as of 2006). I've been there many times, as I used to live in Japan, and I have to admit, Tokyo Teleport Station needs teleporters. It's a very large building with long concourse-like walks between areas and no moving sidewalks. Even so, it's come a long way from being a tiny island in Tokyo bay with cannons on it.
mate your problem is by far more related to a worrying lack of any trace of some sense of humour than the appropriate use of any language, that you tried to project as inappropriate use of a small laugh (?).
hello I was expecting to find the most hilarious sign ever that I ever saw: the "Caution, men at work!" sign of Great Britain (ok, it might exist somewhere else, but I haven't been there!) I'm a woman, and 4 years later I'm still laughing!!!
And, damn it, I spent 7 years in the UK and never took any picture of it.
For a modest fraction of the population, the name Citroën Deux-Cheveaux is really, really inherently funny. That said, that clip in and of itself was a real treat to watch, too.
The thorny devil actually moves the moisture around the outside of their body and direct it into their mouths. Essentially they drink by standing in a puddle. http://www.outback-australia-travel-secrets.com/thorny-devil.html
the Lizard is a Thorny devil, very small, eats only certain types of ants if i recall, native to Australia, ive only seen them in Western Australia in Wild
Joining the long list of things in WV named "The Robert Byrd..." What a boondoggle and waste of taxpayer dollars. But I bet it paid for a lot of oxycontin.
The "horn antenna" is actually not very exotic. You have probably ignored many of these located on point-to-point microwave towers located across the world. Even if you paid attention, you might not have recognized them, because horn antennas are usually oriented upright rather than "lying down," and a weather-resistant covering covers the aperture. For example, look at this photo: http://www.freefoto.com/preview/04-23-93?ffid=04-23-93
"This is the largest Radio Telescope in the world and it's in Mexico
http://www.lmtgtm.org"
No its not, It doesnt even get close, Jodrell Bank is the third largest steerable radio telescope and thats 77m, The one posted in the link is 50m.
As for Radio Telescopes in general, Well Im sure we all know Aricebo is the biggest single dish by far.
I went to see Jodrell Bank not long ago, Im only 50 miles from it, If you live near one of these dishes they are well worth the visit, Very impressive to see them moving about, And the size of them is incredible.
The Russian telescope is Kalyazin RT-64 (64 meter), and judging by the fact it's in a different orientation in every picture online, I daresay it's not been "abandoned for years". Not well maintained, perhaps.
"QUANTUM SHOT" #459
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1 Comments:
I found the portable rain covering hilarious because I have actually saw someone using something similar once and I figured they were either a bit mental or extremely neurotic. I found a picture online:
http://www.allpics4u.com/artwork/creativity-stuff-all-around-us.html
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