drb
logo
Feel-Good! | airplanes | animals | architecture | art | auto | cool ads | funny | food | futurism | gadgets | russia | japan
military | music | nature | photo | sci-fi | signs | space | sports | steampunk | technology | trains | travel | vintage | weird



"QUANTUM SHOT" #269
Article by Scott Seegert - Link


Read all parts of the series here!

This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent an exclusive material for DRB.

Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.


Augusto’s Safety Suit for Aviators

Patented 1918



The guy in the illustration above is:

1. runner-up in the local honey manufacturer’s product mascot competition.
2. the current record holder for not only the longest, but also the most externally-located small intestine in North America.
3. going to ask Santa for the Abdominizer this Christmas.

The correct answer is, of course:

4. wearing Augusto’s Safety Suit for Aviators.

Augusto explains that "by means of an air pump..., compressed air is pumped into the convolutions of the suit of such a force to make the suit capable of resisting...all shocks and crushing forces to which an aviator may be subjected when the flying machine stops and falls to the ground." He also notes that the opening at the top of the suit should be "the size of the face of an aviator" which, apparently, is either larger or smaller than that of the general population ("Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Richard. I see by the size of your face that you’re an aviator.")


John’s Hunting Decoy

Patented 1897




The battle between guy and bird has long been a lopsided one, due largely to a vast difference in brain size. But that hasn’t stopped guys from trying. John created his clever Hunting Decoy over a century ago, presumably hoping to take advantage of that old bird axiom: "Hey, we may not live forever, but at least we won’t get shot by a cow."

The principle is simple – two guys, disguised in a cow suit, amble out into an open field, conducting themselves in a cow-like manner (the guy in back may find ambling a bit difficult due to the placement of the udder). When the moment is right, the courageous sportsmen burst from various secret cow openings and blast away to their hearts' content. As an aside, should the hunter in front wish to play a tremendously humorous prank on the hunter in the rear, he can amble seductively into the holding pen of Farmer Johnson’s prize Brahma bull.


Andrew and Harry’s Beverage Tray Sun Visor

Patented 1992



An invention needn't be complicated to be practical and here's a great idea for the guy who forgot to bring his hat to the game, yet still wants to enjoy the look and feel of nacho cheese in his hair.

Let's hear about this incredible innovation in Andrew and Harry’s own words: "It is an object of this invention to provide a food or beverage tray which upon completion of the transportation function as a food or beverage tray for transporting food and or beverages..." - never mind... their own words are causing us to lose consciousness.

Basically, these two guys (you didn't think this could possibly be the work of only one, did you?) have brainstormed an idea which, they say, not only reduces the accumulation of trash at the ballpark, but will also prevent heatstroke (and here we figured having heatstroke is what would compel someone to wear a beverage tray on his head in the first place.) They also point out that the tray can be utilized as an advertising medium by printing messages on the bottom surface (WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THIS MORON "DISAPPEAR"? Call Louie "Sausage Fingers" Altobelli at 555-1212)


Ellis’s Flying Apparatus

Patented 1917







Incredibly, Ellis came up with this beauty 14 years AFTER the Wright Brothers made their famous Kitty Hawk flight - and, unfortunately, one year prior to the invention of Gustav’s Safety Suit for Aviators (see above). Ellis’s Flying Apparatus is worn over the shoulders and includes a motorized propeller and working control surfaces but, to the best of our knowledge, no beverage service. We don't know if Ellis ever actually got his apparatus off the ground, but our research does indicate a dramatic improvement in his 100-yard dash times.

copyright Scott Seegert, September 2007

Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.



Buy this book at Amazon!



Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)




CONTINUE TO NEXT PAGE

READ THE FIRST PART HERE

Read all parts of the series here!

"StumbleUpon" this page

Permanent Link...
Category: Technology,Gadgets

Dark Roasted Blend's Photography Gear Picks:




RECENT ARTICLES:

Visual Caffeine #5
Visual Caffeine, Issue 5

A thrilling blend of art, myths and technology

DRB Feel-Good
DRB Feel-Good Issue #38

Loads of cool and rare imagery

The Best Of DRB in 2015

"Weird and Wonderful Things" Overview



"Dark Roasted Blend" - All Kinds of Weird and Wonderful Things, Discovered Daily!"

DRB is a top-ranked and respected source for the best in art, travel and fascinating technology, with a highly visual presentation. Our in-depth articles in many categories make DRB a highly visual online magazine, bringing you quality entertainment every time you open your "feed" reader or visit our site - About DRB

Connect with us and become part of DRB on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus; make sure to subscribe to our updates.



YOUR COMMENTS::

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home


SF ART & BOOK REVIEWS:
Don't miss: The Ultimate Guide to NEW SF&F Writers!
Fiction Reviews: Classic Cyberpunk: Extreme Fiction
Short Fiction Reviews: Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness" (with pics)
New Fiction Reviews: The Surreal Office




READ OTHER RECENT ARTICLES:


Hellish Weather on Other Planets

Wild, Untamed, and Uncut

Medieval Suits of Armor

Metal Body Suits vs. Weapons of Medieval Destruction

World's Strangest Theme Parks

Amusement to the (twisted) extremes!

Enchanting Victorian Fairy Tale Art

"Then world behind and home ahead..."

Adorable Pedal Cars

Collectable Pedal Vehicles Showcase


Japanese Arcades: Gundam Pods & Other Guilty Pleasures

These machines have gone up to the next level


Modernist Tallinn Architecture

Delicious blend of old and new!


Early Supercomputers: A Visual Overview

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons"


Futuristic Concept Cars of the 1970-80s

French, Italian & Japanese rare beauties


Epic 1970s French Space Comic Art

DRB Time-Slice: Valérian and Laureline


The Trees Are Escaping! The Abandoned Prison in French Guiana

"Great Escape" from the Devil's Island


Videophones from the Future Past

Skype? Smartphone? Google Hangouts?

The Best of DRB in 2014

Weird & Wonderful 2014 Overview



FULL ARCHIVES
(with previews, fast loading):

2015

2014

2013

2012

2011

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006


Link Lattes

Feel-Good & Biscotti Issues





CATEGORIES:
Feel-Good! | airplanes | animals | architecture | art | auto | boats | books | cool ads | funny pics | famous | futurism | food
gadgets | health | history | humour | japan | internet | link latte | military | music | nature | photo | russia | steampunk
sci-fi & fantasy | signs | space | sports | technology | trains | travel | vintage | weird | abandoned



























Airplanes
Animals
Architecture
Art
Auto
Boats
Computers
Cool Ads
Extreme Weather
Food
Funny Pics
Futurism
Gadgets
History
Humour
Link Latte
Military
Music
Nature
Oops Accidents
Photography
Robots
Science
Science Fiction

Space
Sports
Technology
Trains
Travel
UE Abandoned
Vintage
Weird











Avi Abrams
M. Christian
Simon Rose
Paul Schilperoord
Scott Seegert
Constantine vonHoffman


Send us your topic ideas, site suggestions, rants or sweet unpublished poetry. We love to hear from you.

Best binary options brokers
binaryoptionrobotinfo.com

Bookit Coupon