This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. The inventions featured here were taken from a book "It's a Guy Thing" by Scott Seegert. Make sure to check out all 10 parts of this series! ->
Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind
There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.
The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.
George’s Golf Practice Apparatus (Patented 1956)
Every guy knows that the length of his drive is directly proportional to the length of a specific anatomical member which, for the sake of being discrete, we shall refer to as "Mr. Johnson". Suffice it to say nobody wants to hit a limp dribbler up the fairway. This explains why the typical guy will spend up to 83% of his pre-tax income on assorted equipment that promises to improve his golf swing.
Well, the best of this equipment, as determined by total weight, is George’s revolutionary Golf Practice Apparatus (GPA), a device once described by Rube Goldberg as being "a bit complicated". The GPA will allow any run of the mill guy to increase the length of his Johnson - err, drive - right in the comfort of his very own structurally reinforced den or recreation room. For those interested, the GPA comes unassembled, and all that you’ll require to put it together is a 3/4-inch box wrench, an acetylene torch, and Stephen Hawking. Once assembled, simply lubricate it twice daily at points 1 through 203, and the GPA will stand ready to offer years of faithful service.
Single guy apartments have horrible reputations for cleanliness. Accurate, but horrible. The details are typical - dust, mold, blood stains, dirty boxer shorts, week-old slices of pizza, the stench of old, wet gym shoes…and we’re just talking about the sofa. It’s not that guys enjoy living in filth, it’s just that cleaning takes effort while involving very little risk of personal injury. So where’s the incentive?
What guys need is a virtually effort-free method of keeping their places tidy, and Bill’s Inflatable Floating Furniture offers exactly that. All you have to do to clean up, and we feel almost any guy can do this, is get up. It’s as easy as rolling out of bed in the morning... literally. Bill’s mattresses, sofas, chairs and tables are filled with helium and rise to the ceiling when not in use, transforming that apartment from a pigsty into a scaled-down version of the Macy’s Home Furnishings Department Thanksgiving Day Parade. A handy tether allows the furniture to be pulled down and used as necessary.
Although Bill’s technology does not yet apply to such items as dirty dishes, moldy shower curtains and individual dirt molecules (we assume he’s working on it), we believe his furniture is an excellent start. We would also, on behalf of guys everywhere, like to applaud him on his use of the phrase "gaseous substance" thirty-three times in the official description of his invention. Well done, Bill.
Albert’s Helmet-Mounted Pistol (Patented 1953)
For the guy who likes to hunt, but must carry a beer AND a bratwurst at all times.
Gordon’s Pogo Stick (Patented 1958)
A childhood favorite, the pogo stick gradually loses it’s entertainment value for guys as they grow too large to seriously injure themselves while riding it. Gordon’s solution? The addition of a self-contained, on-board, combustible-gas-powered engine.
Tom’s Insect Exerciser (Patented 1988)
One guy’s solution to an often overlooked issue – the gradual decline in physical fitness of our burgeoning insect population.
Harry’s Homocopter (Patented 1977)
No, it can’t possibly work, but that didn’t stop Harry from developing this solution to what he calls the “now-a-days public transportation problem.”
"Mommy! Mommy! I see Daddy! He’s almost home!"
…fwak-a-fwak-a-fwak-a-fwak…
"Over here, Daddy! Land over here by me!"
…FWAK-A-FWAK-A-FWAK-A-FWAK…
"Wait, Daddy, not that close! Watch out, Daddy, you’re gonna…
Read more about these and many other ridiculous but real "guy" inventions in "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" from Three Rivers Press, a Random House Imprint. Learn more about the book at ScottSeegert.com.
I have an inventor dad, Then married an inventor husband (w/patent & pat pend) and sons... It is like being on one of those pogo sticks all the time!!! Great stuff! I was laughing out loud all alone- Is that normal? Jan C.
Fairly recently, there were monks constructing a mandala in a Midwest airport... and a toddler who got away from his mother came and kicked his way through it! I can just imagine how mortified she must have been, but it sounds like the monks handled it gracefully and philosophically.
The toddler "attack" occurred at Union Station in Kansas City, MO. I used to work across the street and watched the monks construct these several times.
They use long, hollow metal sticks with ridges. They rub wooden sticks across the ridges to coax the sand out a grain at a time.
Neither of those cars are a Japanese import. The first one is a Ford Fiesta, and the second one is an (Austin)Mini Metro. Crushing them is however probably the best things you can do with either model.
From artist's bio: "Complementing a precise, science oriented undergraduate instruction, a Master of Industrial Design from the prestigious Domus Academy in Milan... Infusing a materials and technology savvy character with the rich, bold, and sensual styling associated with leading modern Italian Design."
Wow, Extreme Submarines. I wonder how much overtime they put in coming up with that original name. The extreme tag is so overused and generic, it just sounds stupid.
Wow. Beautiful designs... (in into the aquatic vehicles and underwater activities in particular) -- I've got some additional photos of other types of subs at my website squidoo.com/submarines --and I'd like to link to this site as well! If only cars could be designed like this as well--the aerodynamics would improve fuel economy as well!
Ok so the last bridge is the "Pont de Normandie" in France (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pont_de_Normandie). That was an easy one. Well OK I am French and used to drive throught this bridge on a regular basis a few years ago ;)
Being from the Pacific Northwest, I'd have voted for the Astoria-Megler bridge to be on there. I believe it's still the longest "continuous truss" bridge in the world (but don't quote me on that) and is 4.1 miles long, with a main span of 1,232 feet.
My favorite was the Hangzhou Bay Bridge. I would love to drive accross that one! I imagine it would feel pretty weird having all that ocean surrounding your car. 36 kilometers means that you wouldn't even be able to see land at some point! There's no way I'd drive accross that in a storm!
Here's a link to a really neat bridge from British Columbia. Scroll down to find the one that was there in 1872. Low tech and incredible. http://michaelkluckner.com/bciw10hagwilget.html
Check out my photos and a couple of videos of the Millenium Bridge featured in your post. I see that bridge every day of my life and it's still amazing watching it open after dozens of times.
you forgot the "pont du Gard", "bridge of Gard" which date from the romans and still stand in south of france. besides it was also an "aqueduc", at the top goes a canalisation to bring water to a city.
here's a link for the story http://www.interlog.fr/candi/PdG/PdG_description.html
and one for pictures http://www.interlog.fr/candi/PdG/pont_du_gard.htm
The bridge across Niagra Falls. The first strand was laid down by a kite, and built up from there. Engineered by the same man who engineered the Brooklyn Bridge (John Augustus Roebling). Beautiful.
Dumping chemical weapons into the ocean is a scary thought, but most of that stuff degrades and becomes inert very quickly when diluted into that much seawater. Oddly enough, agricultural and industrial run-off is usually much more threatening to ocean ecology than these dumped chemical weapons.
Another casualty was Ray Peck's family in Skull Valley. They were likely hit with low doses of the nerve gas from a Dugway Proving Ground test that accidentally killed 6,000 sheep near their home in 1968. The Pecks lived but haven't been the same since.
There was an incident at Fort Polk, Louisiana in the late spring/early summer of 1987 in which containers of mustard gas were unearthed while trenches for underground cables were being dug. It took nearly a month to clean up the site, and all involved, including myself, were told to keep our mouth's shut. The Army clamped down on this, and the story never went public...how many times has something like this happened, I wonder?
This photo is staged (photoshopped) but too funny ----------------------------- the guy who bumbs a vase is not photoshopped, it was a dutch commercial....
nilbaedThe last one must be true: when the 110 film size was introduced, around 1981, we received in our lab a lot of films to process with the same kind of pictures: an ear (blurred because too close) and a nice landscape, the one located behind the photographer...
The guy with the glasses and the printer hanging on his neck actually works at the Fontana di Trevi in Rome, Italy. I've been there several times and I used to talk a lot with the guy who said me he's been working there for the last 8 years and this is how (through all these years) he is living. He uses to work there with his wife.
Another great automated musical installation is If VI was IX, a huge automated sculpture by Trimpin at the Experience Music Project in Seattle. It plays loops of music in different styles on a number of automated guitars, banjos, keyboards, etc. Plus it looks awesome. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trimpin
I'm surprised you didn't mention the band Captured! By Robots which consists of one human and a band of automatons. See http://www.capturedbyrobots.com/.
If you look at it, you may notice it bears a striking resemblance to the vintage percussion instrument the Deagan Shaker Chimes (AKA "Deagan Organ Chimes"):
As you can read in the article, these vintage production-line chimes WERE based on the Anklung... so really, Mr. Raes' idea is nothing new.
Neither is automating them, apparently. The House On the Rock in Wisconsin has no less than THREE sets of Deagan Shaker [Organ] Chimes, all rigged to play (more-or-less) automatically with various ensembles; respectively the Blue Danube Room (opened in 1991),
The chimes in the Blue Danube ensemble (a rather ersatz affair made from an old Mortier dance organ facade) are especially notable, not only because each chime assembly has been taken out of its stand and arrayed visually at the top of the ensemble (rather than being left in the original rack like the other 2 sets),
but also because they are the only real tuned musical instruments in the whole ensemble! (the string and other non-percussion sounds are produced by synthesizers and emanate from a large speaker hidden behind the tympani on the far right).
"QUANTUM SHOT" #241
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4 Comments:
The gas powered pogo stick was actualy manufactured, at least in limited numbers. I've seen one.
It was called "The Hop Rod". Here's the website, with video, even.
http://www.thehoprod.com/
I have an inventor dad, Then married an inventor husband (w/patent & pat pend) and sons... It is like being on one of those pogo sticks all the time!!! Great stuff! I was laughing out loud all alone- Is that normal? Jan C.
Brilliant, I especially loved the “inflatable floating furniture”. It MUST be made!!
www.loveinventions.com
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