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Men Rules: Guide for Women (humor)


"QUANTUM SHOT" #194


In case you wondered, and are male - these are the rules we abide by. If you are a girl reading this, then you can just refresh your memory.

MEN RULES: Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the "other one "

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

(Source: email, original unknown)
------------------------------------------

Guys! Be careful not to aggravate your girlfriend TOO much; otherwise you're going to see scenes like these:


Romance... starts like this
Computers

but may end sooner than you think


Try to keep your thoughts off lingerie for a minute...







There is always a choice:

(images credit: Exler)

Girls! Remember, guys need space. ...you can join them there:


Guys can do some extreme ironing, too:
(more images at this site)





















Images courtesy: Extreme Ironing

Also read:
"Women's Facial Expressions"


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Category: Humour
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YOUR COMMENTS::

11 Comments:

Blogger Peter Haslam said...

I like the rules but not the response. :)

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Blogger me said...

ahahaha.

you'll hear from the feminists.

who came up with extreme ironing?!

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Anonymous kirstin said...

The "funny" here hinges completely on the readers ability to identify with 13 year old boys.

___  
Blogger Joe said...

The extreme ironing is crazy! The rhino is creepy, and the list is cool.

___  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, I guess it's true that some guys have unrealistic expectations from a relationship. Your SO is supposed to be physically attractive, accept your interests, suppress her emotions, and play second fiddle to your TV. Meanwhile, you get to be a fatass who just doesn't give a shit about her hobbies, self esteem or thoughts. Puh-leeze. These lists aren't funny, and anyone who thinks they are is just sending out a strong signal to the world about how self-centered they are.

Here's a protip, in case you didn't pick up on it. If you don't want to have to read her mind, don't bitch when she expresses her emotions. I'm surprised you feel you need space- most women I know have enough respect that they wouldn't touch someone like you with a ten-foot-pole.

___  
Anonymous just another person said...

I know its supposed to be something funny but in actuality its pretty much true & that's not funny, its disturbing, its not right, its... many things, too many to say.
Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, if women were like men then the world would be full of pigs (dogs, scum, a-holes... whatever you want to call them)
Why is it, if women acted as men do they would be considered whores? How come men don't know its wrong to lie when they cheat? Or just because their not actually caught in the act, they think they haven't done anything wrong? Why do men lie about what they do? If you know its wrong then don't do it. If you know you f..ked up, then be a real man & admit to it.
Have you ever thought if you actually treated someone with respect then maybe you would get it right back? If you have & you still don't get it then that person isn't worth it or the real attraction isn't there, your just settling for something.
Attraction is one thing, but to be attracted & fall in love... True love is hard to find but you can't LOOK for it, I believe in time & at the right time it will COME to you.
In the mean time don't expect a miracle, just remember, to keep what you have, realize they are who they are, that's why you are w/ them. If you expected something else then you shouldn't be with them. All men lie. They have their reasons. All women bitch, we have our reasons, too. Men are the #1 reason.

___  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So according too these comments of the women, guys are imperfect and women can't do anything wrong?
Hmmmm......

___  
Anonymous Basta said...

Photographic proof that men CAN do housework! Loving it.

___  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yikes, people. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and often humor is just humor. If we can not laugh (at or with ourselves or each other), how will we ever really relate? Mars or Venus, ain't the same solar sytem our home?

___  
Anonymous Doctor Rob said...

I believe Anonymous mistook this humour/curiosities website for her regular online anger management class. It was an innocent mistake.

And she has a point. With the price of oil set to rise, canny savers are investing in vitriol.

___  
Anonymous Sprinkler Buff said...

Haha now that is what I'm talking about! That list is perfect! I could not have said it any better myself! Read my mind to the T! But seriously, what's with the crazy ironing? I have never heard of that. Is it cool to come up with extreme ways to iron??

___  

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