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Telemarketer's Doomsday Manual


"QUANTUM SHOT" #17
Link - article by Avi Abrams




New (and old) ways to have fun with telemarketers and keep your money.

--==--

Worry them:
1. Have you seen my hamster? Oh no! Do you know how to get a hamster out of a drain? Let me turn on a light..." then turn on the garbage disposal and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOO" until they hang up. (variation: Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender. Later, tell them they were wrong. )

2. When they are giving their description of the product, ring your door bell...go back to the phone and say can you hang on a second... and pretend there is a guy selling something at the door, say "I’ve told you how many times I am not interested!, Virginia get my Shotgun!" and then hang up.
If your watching a war movie put the phone next to the speaker when there are people screaming and explosions etc. and tell the telemarketer that you are 'busy'.

3. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
If they are selling some type of skin care product, say that you don't have any skin.

4. Say: "You cruel rude insensitive person he died while using your product, now you have the nerve to call back and try to sell him another one. Take him off you list, or have your attorney call ours."

5. Answer: "911 Emergency. State your emergency?"
They will be confused. "Hello? What is your emergency?"
Telemarketer: "Um, no emergency... wrong number"
Reply: "A wrong number eh? What other number is three digits? We are sending an officer over immediately."

--==--

Annoy them:

6. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.

7. If Phone Company calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

9. "Sir, I am calling from "Peapod", the home delivery grocery service.
Where do you now shop for groceries?"
"I don't."
"How do you eat?"
"I have a vegetable garden and a cow."
(click)

10. Some people have good success by answering:
"do you mind if i record this conversation for quality control or training purposes?"

--==--

Confuse them:

11. You: Answer the phone with
"Hello, is Steve there?"
Them: "Ah...., No"
You: "I'm sorry. I must have the wrong number." Click!

Variation: Telemarketer: I'm selling...
Victim: I'm sorry. I'm not here right now.

12. Q: "Hello sir, may we speak to the person of the house who pays the phone bill?"
A: "We don't have a phone"...

13. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

14. After they tell you the product they're selling, ask them if it comes with a free blender. If they say no, tell them that you won't buy from them without a free blender, and hang up.

15. Answer: "You're the sixth caller to KFWT radio. Just answer this question to win $25,000.
Who was the first United States president?"
When they say "George Washington", tell them they won the $25,000. Ask for their name, address and phone number. Then tell them to go home immediately to receive a confirmation call.

So, these are "the fifteen ways to leave you telemarketer", to paraphrase one famous song :) Now let's see it in action:

--==--

An Example of Conversation
(Advanced Level. Do not attempt to repeat without practicing first)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes...
when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T... Besides, I already have a phone.
AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold...
Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeah?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Mr. Salem is not here right now would you prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man .....

Click............

--==--

Finally, a little advice:

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back... blank! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all...THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!

--==--

Appendix: Charts and Illustrations
Click HERE for a complete counter-script and conversation chart - available in 10 languages!

ADD YOUR OWN RECIPES IN THE COMMENTS :)

Sources:MacRumors, www.funwithtelemarketers.com





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YOUR COMMENTS::

5 Comments:

Blogger 小莎莎 said...

Hahaha! That last one was brilliant!

___  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About that bit on mailing back the empty envelope... I wouldn't do that if the envelope has a digital data bar on it.

I almost ended up with a subscription to the New York Times that way once.

You see, opening the envelopes is expensive. Reading the digital data on the envelope is cheap - AND the only reason (most people, normal people) send the envelope back to to get the subscription that was offered.

So they just scan the envelope and give you a subscription. They already have your address - it was on the subscription offer they sent you that started all this.
Seriously...

___  
Blogger Proptwistr said...

My favorite thing to do to telemarketers is answer and sound excited, but ask if you can put them on hold. Without waiting for a response, put them on hold and see how long they wait before hanging up. It's worth having a phone with this capability for just this reason.
One woman called me back complaining that I had left her on hold. My reply: "As annoyed as you are that I did that to you, I'm even more annoyed that you're wasting my time like this in the first place! In fact, I'm so annoyed, that I'm going to put you on hold again". I put her on hold.

___  
Anonymous Chaille Stovall said...

When the telemarketer is calling, ask them to call you back tommrow... each day they call back give them a new excuse for them to call you the next day...
Use these excuses in order...

1. Apoligize and express interest in their product, but mention that you are going to have some painful boils and sores removed today and it would be inconvient, could they call tommrow?

2. On the second day they call, be sure to answer, tell them that you are actually having a problem with your drains, the water is sticky, thick and red, tell them you have talk to them tommrow, tell them to call you... and before hanging up, start talking to your imaginary plumber...

3. Today you have to sit for a few moments, try not to let on what you are planning to do... choose a moment to interrupt them, say you have to take a moment, your head is itching... make them wait... and scream "Oh GOD!! OH GOD WHAT THE... HOLY SHIT, PLEASE CALL BACK TOMMROW! PLEASE< PLEASE!!" make them confirm they are calling you again, and hang up crying.

4. The next day complain that you had pulled out a handfull of lice, still be shaken up about it, remember your "Character" has been through alot... and it is about to get worse... tell them that you just got word that your sister is giving birth, and you have to leave soon, as you promised to be there to catch it... Tell them to please call you back, (best if there are a few friends calling you to the door "Honey we have to go!" type stuff)... just before you go, find something slippery in your shirt... start screaming and cussing, as you find it is a frog... then you find another, start screaming that there are literally frogs pouring in from the cabinets the open doors, and oh my god!! Call me back tommrow! and hang up!

5. The next day, answer the phone, kind of crying... tell them that your sisters firstborn son, was a stillbirth, and that the frogs, were an infestation... plead them to call you back tommrow, you have to lay down crying.

6. The sixth day complain of a fly infestation

7. the seventh day complain of a freak hail storm and you have to get a loved one to the hospital

8. The eigth day, you have just come back from the doctor, it turns out your steak a la tarte had E.Colli, and you have to get some rest

9. Locust infestation... worse than the frogs

10... you got struck blind... acid, bleach... be humble about it, be quiet... and be joyful as to the new product... at the end of their sales pitch... just say no, thank you, I thought it was going to be better and hang up... also having the sound of a revolver sliding into place wouldn't hurt...

___  
Blogger Avi Abrams said...

Haha, great stuff, Chaille - thank you!

___  

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