"QUANTUM SHOT" #743
Link
- article by
Pixelsmith
and Avi Abrams
The Long Tradition of "Trolling" Big Corporations, One Hilarious Letter
at a Time
We have not have a humour article on DRB for a long time, mainly
concentrating on visually interesting and, well, weird and wonderful.
But here is something funny today: "dead serious" prank letters sent to
"dead serious" corporations who don't like to be trolled, or made fun
of. All to the delight of writers and collectors of such correspondence
(presented by Pixelsmith for Dark Roasted Blend):
Clunk. Flop. A chunk of mail through the letterbox. Between the bills and
promotional waffle there's this: "Dear Mr Bradley - we are unable to use
your recipe within our advertising or promotion. Having tried your recipe,
we have discovered a rather unfortunate side-effect, which was borne out
by three hours in Accident & Emergency and the complete loss of eyebrow
hair." Rewind one week and Mr Bradley was writing to the British Egg
Information Service with a ridiculous idea:
Glue two cardboard tubes to your eyes, tilt your head back, lower three
uncooked eggs into each tube then eat some cheese.
He wasn't expecting a reply.
I wrote my first silly letter as Chad Bradley seven years ago. "Dear
Brylcreem," it said. "There's a man in my hair wax". The company sent me a
postage sticker and told me to mail him back. Since then: - I've told IKEA
that their sofa teleported me to Paris... (read it
here) - complained about a shark in my mineral water... (read it
here) - applied for a job as the "Sandwich Creative" executive of a sandwich
company... (read it
here) - asked about life insurance coverage in case of being killed by
ants... (read it
here) - wondered if Crispy Snacks are really crisp... (read it
here) - and told MB Games about my amazing new idea for a game called Connect
1. (read it
here) Little did I know that my weird hobby was part of a long tradition,
upheld by men far better and funnier than I.
"Timewaster Letters"
Heard of Henry Root? The alter ego of English writer and eccentric playboy
William Donaldson, Root penned satirical letters to the rich and famous,
like this note to a senior tutor at Cambridge University: "Yours is a
college at which brains are neither here nor there, I'm told... This being
the case, I'm prepared to send my boy to you... He's 15 now and shows
every sign of needing all the advantages that money can buy. You'll have
seen many like that. I enclose a small cash advance (this is for you
personally, you understand)...". Root often included a £1 or £5 note with
his letters. It was a decent investment - The Henry Root Letters (1980)
and its follow-up books made Donaldson a fortune.
Yet Root's letters weren't the first to hit the bookshelves. In America,
Saturday Night Live comedian Don Novello had been writing to figureheads
and companies since the early '70s, as concerned citizen Lazlo Toth. The
Lazlo Letters (1977) include this 1974 note to then vice-president Gerald
Ford: "Dear Vice President Ford: I was a vice president of a lot of
organizations myself so I know how you feel. Keep up the good work! Stand
by our country!" That was the whole letter. He didn't get a reply.
These letters might look silly, but the influential nature of their
establishment targets bestows them with an edge of political commentary. I
wish I was that smart. These satirical sideswipes can make for the
sharpest comedy going, but it's the mundane stuff I love the most. Take
Lazlo's letter to the president of the company behind Preparation H: "Dear
Mr. President, I have seen commercials for your product on television and
I have but one question - What does the "H" stand for?" The world-weary
reply: "Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your recent letter concerning
Preparation H. Please be advised that H stands for hemorrhoids."
There's a beauty in this dullness. Read a couple of letters and it's not
just the writer you picture chuckling to himself - you start to imagine
the character too. And you're not alone. Somewhere out there, a bunch of
recipients actually believe this person exists. That almost brings them to
life.
"I am a keen lover of all things clarinettal..."
Robert Popper is the master of this. The English TV comedy writer - he's
worked on Peep Show and Look Around You - has been penning his "Timewaster
Letters" since the turn of the millennium. His alter ego, Robin Cooper, is
milder-mannered than Root and Lazlo and all the more charming for it. He
writes to a Mr Bennett, of the Clarinet Heritage Society: "I am a keen
lover of all things clarinettal. The lull of reed against palette, the
rasp of tongue against mouthpiece are something I have always cherished.
You are a lucky man, Bennett, working amongst such fine instruments. In
some ways I envy you." He goes on to ask for help locating 200
professional clarinet players for a party. An intrigued Bennett replies
requesting further details but smells a rat when Cooper tells him where
the musicians will stand ("30 in the living room, 40 on the first floor
landing, and 34 in my daughter's bedroom...").
Need something to do between your pranks? Try Thumb Wrestling or the Art
of Doodle (see more awesome "doodles" by Andrea Joseph
here):
(image via)
The CUT-PASTE in landscaping:
(image
via)
"The owner of thousands of ants" asking hotel if his pets may roam free
inside his room
Then there's Ted L Nancy. Rumoured (though this is frequently disputed) to
be the handiwork of Jerry Seinfeld, Nancy's forte is flinging absurd
requests at the hotel industry. He has been a 2ft high circus performer
requesting a tiny dresser; an 8ft high circus performer demanding a huge
bed; the owner of thousands of ants asking if his pets may roam free
inside his room; and a man seeking his misplaced bag of otter hair. The
hospitality industry is usually polite enough to reply, even if only to
say no, you may not fill our hotel with ants.
Root, Lazlo, Cooper and Nancy are just the tip of the iceberg. The title
of the first fictional correspondent was claimed at least three decades
ago, but it doesn't stop writing silly letters from being amazingly good
fun. Few feelings can rival the sheer hilarity of opening a reply to
discover that someone took it seriously. And sometimes - and this is a
rarity - you get a truly heartwarming one. Somebody who gets the joke,
hops on board and joins in. Chad's new friend from the British Egg
Information Service did that. It's my favourite ever response. Instead of
lampooning the pomposity of high society, mocking the corporate machine or
just winding up a group with a funny name (all of which are, it must be
stressed, extremely worthwhile pursuits) Chad wound up contacting somebody
who twigged he wasn't real but liked him enough to reply anyway. And, more
importantly, sent him a free inflatable egg cup. (The full correspondence
is
here)
Pixelsmith's real life alter-ego works in the UK regional
newspaper industry as a news editor and columnist. You can read and
subscribe to his weekly email, the
RollZero Electric Letter
and read the full Chad Bradley archive
here.
Also, make sure to check out this site
Write the Company, dedicated to exactly this kind of fooling around with mighty serious
corporations.
CONTINUE TO "MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS TO DO WITH SUPERHEROES"! ->
READ THE REST OF OUR "HUMOUR" CATEGORY ->
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7 Comments:
the landscape should be CUT-PASTE
My favorite is Hunter S. Thompson's "Debt Letter" that he sent to companies he owed money to. He insisted after reading it-many never contacted him again. Find it in "The Proud Highway" or at this link. http://darylburnett.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/hunter-s-thompson-the-debt-letter/
Read 'Dear Mr. Mackin' if you like this kind of stuff
There is a special irony because this page is appearing on my computer with Best Buy ads. Best Buy emphatically did not like being pranked when dozens of members of a guerrilla theater group showed up at one of their stores all wearing blue shirts and khaki pants. They didn't do anything just strolled around the store politely till security rounded them up and threw them out
I'd like to add Paul C. Rosa to the list. And while he tended to use his own name, the personalities he adopted and populated his fictional life with were no less than brilliant. While i've read most of the others, i believe Mr Rosa should top this list.
I took the Root system a stage further in the 90s with 9 characters writing in part to local papers. At one time four were passing comment on the same subject for a month in the unsuspecting paper. They ranged from a semi literate farm labourer, a former military personage, to a retired missionary. Rev Sebastian Benet (one n one t) and his wife Hursuta.
Do a search for 'The Vlad Letters.' A musician named Tonio K composed fake letters to corporations and signed them Vlad Theimpaler. Very funny stuff. Tonio K is a brilliant, overlooked musician who, among other accomplishments, played with Buddy Holly's Crickets.
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