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"QUANTUM SHOT" #419
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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.

Special Summer Selection!

Summer is upon us once again and you know what that means – guys are heading back outdoors! It also means it’s time for our special summer selection of incredible guy brainstorms.

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.


James' Lotion Applicator

Patented 1995



It’s bold. It’s inspired. It’s awkward to explain to airline security personnel when they pull it out of your carry on bag. It’s James’ Lotion Applicator and it supplies what many guys, particular those with an abundance of back hair, have no other hope of obtaining – an actual hand to apply sun screen to those impossible to reach bodily areas. The fluid of choice is pumped into the applicator and released through openings in the articulating “hand”, which is motorized to provide a massaging effect (in an attempt to retain a shred of professionalism, we won’t include the joke here that just popped into our head.)


Brian, Devin and Geoff’s Beer Dispensing Lawn Chair

Patented 2005



As if in direct answer to the question “how can I modify my lawn chair so that it will give me an ice cold beer whenever I pull down on a handy lever“, Brian, Devin and Geoff have developed the long overdue Beer Dispensing Lawn Chair. And word has it the guys are working on a bratwurst dispensing ottoman as we speak.


Kirby’s Insulated Beverage Container

Patented 1992



Welcome to the ultimate in non-powered outdoor beverage cooling technology. The system is pretty much self-explanatory, although Kirby is quick to point out that the “positioning of the straw (30) is of particular importance to enable consumption of the beverage while…lying on a person’s stomach [Kirby doesn’t specify whose] or sitting in a beach chair.”



A stripped down, floating version (see above) is also available, presumably so you can send one last cool beverage out to a drowning buddy.


Robert’s Water Lounge

Patented 1976



Robert’s Water Lounge is the perfect outdoor accessory for the overheated guy who longs for new and exciting ways to spend a little one-on-one time with his rubber ducky. Simply fill it up with water and hop on in to experience a sensation that can only be described as “sitting in water”. It’s like having a bathtub in your own backyard – so much like it, in fact, that you’ll have concerned neighbors filing formal police complaints in no time. Side tray tables and an adjustable back support offer added comfort and convenience while the fish motif and umbrella fringe lend an air of welcome masculinity. Neptune himself never had it so good.

Note: We recommend you drag yourself out of your Water Lounge at least once a week in order to change the water. Again, this is only a recommendation.


copyright Scott Seegert, 2008



Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.



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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)




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