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"QUANTUM SHOT" #381
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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.

Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.


Philip and Eric’s Relaxation Helmet

Patented 2002



What guy in his right mind wouldn’t want to sneak out of work a bit early to crack open a beer and duck into this soothing piece of vibrating headgear?


James’ Relationship Simulator

Patented 1977


(click to enlarge)

Here is a closeup of the control panel:



Guys have a difficult time grasping the nuances of the male/female relationship. And we’re not talking "guys" in general but, rather, EVERY SINGLE GUY. Well, help has arrived in the form of James’ Relationship Simulator. By manipulating the array of knobs and switches, James’ device allows us to simulate virtually any combination of male and female feelings and emotions and conclude, scientifically, that the guy will be spending the night on the sofa.


Shao-Chun’s Anatomical Amusement Ride

Patented 1989






Climb aboard the motorized tram (see top drawing), enter the charming gentleman’s mouth and hold on tight as you approximate the journey of a wet burrito through a standard guy’s digestive tract. Bonus internal attractions include a detour through our fella’s significant other for a quick peak at her brain, lungs and (ugh) reproductive system, which features a lifelike, albeit enormous, fetus (no surprise considering the beer (38), chips (292) and boom box (290) present in the bed).


Kamran’s Facial Hair Trimming Guide

Patented 2003



Designed for the artistically challenged guy, Kamran’s device projects adjustable bands of light onto the face which serve as templates to aid in proper trimming of the mustache and sideburns. Hey, if it’s good enough for Harrison Ford (fig. 2) who are we to criticize?

copyright Scott Seegert, September 2007



Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.



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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)




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