Church Signs & Bulletin Bloopers

"QUANTUM SHOT" #79 Church CAN be hilarious! Unless you go to a Church of Art and Apathy or you are an Apathetic Agnostic whose motto is "we don't know and we don't care", you might consider visiting normal church one day. Especially when being enticed by the church signs and bulletins like these: Sources: 1, 2, 3 ====================== CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS: ............. When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel. ............. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. ............. The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday. ............. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion. ............. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ............. Hymn Blooper: "All people that on earth do swell" ............. Sermon Blooper: "Let everything that hath breasts praise the Lord!" ............. The lady at the Bible Study was tearful and crying constantly. She also appeared to be depressed. ............. The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. ............. At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs. Smith will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor. ............. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. ............. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our bell choir practice. ............. For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs. ............. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. ............. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ............. Questionnaire : "What is your Church Preference?" Answer : "I prefer a red brick church." ............. The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door. ............. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper. ............. There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer. ............. Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary. ............. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ............. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. ............. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy". ............. The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains. ............. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. ............. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours." ............. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." ............. Visiting Missionary: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa". ............. If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. ............. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. ............. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ............. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. ............. We pray that our people will jumble themselves. ............. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ............. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ............. Thursday at 5:00PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study. ............. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." ............. This evening at 7 PM there will be a group practice in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ............. The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 ... EUTHANASIA The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE ............. Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center. ............. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. ............. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. ............. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ............. The Sunday Night Men's Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time. ............. It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do. ............. Illiterate? Write to the church office for help. ............. The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. ............. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. ............. (a most unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:) GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better! ............. After consultation with the pastor she left the church feeling much better except for her original complaints. ............. ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request. ............. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered ............. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends. ............. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! ............. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. ............. Bulletin of a church with a rather elderly congregation: "Mr Brookes will be in the church foyer at the end of today's service. Transport can be provided if required." ............. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. ............. I was a church secretary for a year. Another secretary there was in charge of the bulletin, but she always had me proofread it for her. She swears that, when she was a secretary for another church, she let "Do You Like to Sin in the Shower?" get through to the real bulletin. ............. When I was the "maintenance guy" at my former church, I left a note attached to a receipt in the office for the secretary. Note read: "Van Battery died." The secretary was concerned that she didn't know this church member, and asked how she should announce his passing in the bulletin. ............. Church sign: The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. ............. A nervous pastor preaching his first sermon. Instead of "God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil." what came out was, "God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil." ............. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Sources: Bible-Reading, DailyNooz, Javacasa Permanent Link...